Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

20 September, 2017

Still fighting

I just went back and read an old post from 2 years ago. The emotions and deep despair felt back then. We have come so much farther from then. We have seen so much worse since then. What strikes me though, is that we are still here. Still dealing with  the anxiety, flashbacks, body memories, pain, nightmares, sleepless nights and helplessness. Some things haven't changed, and maybe wont for a very ling time, but many things have. We are learning to accept the truth of our past, as heartbreaking as it is. We are learning to find a place in our day to day life for it. To find time and space to acknowledge our pain and past . We have put up monuments to remember those we lost. And we are trying very hard to remember that its OK for us to be broken. Its OK for us to need time to mourn that which we could never mourn before. Its OK for us to seek help and support when we need it. Its OK to take time to just be, even when others are working hard around us, we can still rest. Most of all we have learned that Love and hugs and safe kisses can heal so much. Feeling safe in the arms of someone we trust heals so much.
Its hard to fight for yourself after abuse, its hard to believe you are worthy of anything more than what life has already given you. But if you try, one step at a time, you start to see how truly amazing you are for just being alive today. How strong you are for making it through all that mess, and you start to believe that maybe just maybe, you can make it through a few more days.
Love still scares us immensely. We have no idea how to deal with it, but we are learning to accept it. Our brain just hasn't been wired for that, but it is learning. The brain CAN be rewired even at this later stage of life, and it is quite amazing.

Therapy

I don't know if we have ever written much about therapy, so here we go. We have been seeing the same therapist for about 5 years now. He has had quite a bit of experience with Multiples before but never with a system as large as ours, or having been through mind control. We have been quite a challenge to him, and I know at times he feels out of his depth. We found a specialist in Canada who is happy to consult with him on our needs and trauma. There is also another Psychiatrist in Australia that he is connecting to, in order to get some assistance. We have recommended several books on the subject which seem to help. He is learning a lot from us as well, and often asks us about how things work inside.
For us the challenge is Trust. It is never an easy thing to do as a survivor, but I think even more so with a man. (for us) It has taken us a LOT of time to feel we can trust him and open up. It is never easy and even after all these years we still don't switch in front of him very much.
With all that said we have come to rely on him immensely. He literally knows our darkest secrets. We have told him what we would NEVER want others to know. Things we have been through, things we have done or been forced to do. Things that still horrify us, and that we do our best to lock away deep inside. The things that we know our friends just couldn't cope with, no matter how willing they are to help. We know that our Therapist is trained in how to deal with, and where to seek help, if he finds it too much. He has at times found what we have told him to be shocking. We can see the look on his face. He admits it is shocking and overwhelming. But he never sensors us. No matter how horrific the truth is, he listens and takes it in.
We have learnt to trust his advice, when he reminds us that we had no choice, we were forced to do these things. He reminds us that even now the actions we take are very normal given how we were raised. He has become more than a trusted friend. He knows us so well. That gives us comfort and reassurance that he is here for us and will help us when things get beyond what we feel we can cope with. He hears our 'craziness' and finds the sanity. He is the stable rock when everything else seems so unstable.
I guess we are writing this today because we cant see our therapist for 4 weeks and haven't seen him for 2 weeks prior to that. He is on personal leave. We do not begrudge him leave as I know his work is exhausting, but it has definitely taken its toll on us so far. When we first found out about his leave we were shocked. It is  the longest we have been with out him ever. Then we felt abandoned. So left alone with no explanation as to why he was leaving us. Then we worried about what if he never comes back, what if he is seriously ill and cant return to work. What happens to us then? Will we even be able to find another therapist who will take on a Multiple let alone us. We also worried about how we are going to cope during this time of separation. (I had a feeling we would end up posting on here again...and here we are lol) Our friends have been great, and our partner keeps us as cuddled and comforted as is possible. But we know that the secrets are waiting inside. There was a flashback we had just before we found out about our Therapists leave. We know it was going to be one of those times we were leading into confronting secrets we did not want to face. Dark truths about family members that no one wants to remember. But for now that has been taken back inside until a better time. I don't know when, but I hope it is when we are safely back in Therapy.
This has been a long post, but I guess we needed to get it out. Without someone to hear our truth, we do feel alone. One day at a time.....that's all we have to do.

31 May, 2017

Dysfunctional

We've been awake for a couple of hours.  Lost in our thoughts. Lying here listening to our best friend sleep. We feel so dysfunctional,  as if we are too many to make sense of this life. We fake it a lot of the time but the truth is we really dont understand, or feel like we fit in. Our world just seems so different to yours.  We are so used to fighting,  what do u do when there is no war.